Nonsense Anything Boards Thread, Two Drove Over the Kelp Paddy - Part 3 - "On to the Show" in Everything Else; In case you didn't catch them...
Part I is here . Part II is here .
Part III: "On to ...
Part III: "On to the Show" Written by KC Kevin; Illustrated (and not changed very much) by AC Lemieux
Airports are a big place. But Ron, a.k.a. Cuda-Killer, coerced the guys into signing him to a lucrative contract as their agent, was meeting them at the gate to help the two country bumpkins find their way around, as air travel was new to them.
The three amigos got situated; with Ron drawing the short straw and getting stuck the middle seat.
The extraordinarily hot flight attendant…
….gave them each a mini-pillow and blanket and they settled in for the long ride O’Hare International Airport.
Cuda was immediately on her, giving her the full-on “Who’s your Daddy” treatment. But she told Cuda to step.
So Cuda, undeterred by her disinterest, made his way to the cockpit to co-pilot for a while. After an hour or so (and about three bong loads), Cuda was wondering how his clients were doing so he headed back to join them in coach, but at this point Captain Mack had had way too much of the chronic,
...so Cuda activated the auto-pilot.
During the usual in-flight service, the attendant made her way up to the boys’ row.“Nuts?” she said. Cooter, sitting on the aisle, responded first: “Momma says stupid is as stupid does Ma’am”. “Surely you must be joking.” “No, I’m not joking…”, Cooter said, “and don’t call me Shirley!” Cuda wanted to know if they had corn nuts. “Sorry Sir, we only have plain nuts”, to which Ron (still bearing the wounds of her rejection) replied, “Of course they’re plane nuts lady, what other kind would you have on here?”
Saluki had fallen off into a light sleep, was awaked by a quiet “Nuts Sir?” Slightly dazed, ‘Captain Creamycrap’ was instantly reminded of an aching to experience his ‘special nutty’ talent in the air. Of course, the hi-fiber snack bars were helping too. He pushed his way into the aisle, ran to the head…
…and stepped inside. It was more than he had ever dreamed of…stainless steel everywhere, just like he planned for Hanna!!
He spun around, dropped his drawers and flipped the lock, lighting the ‘occupied’ sign.
It got pretty heated as Brandon became the first one in his family to join the Mile High Club…well…at least the only one to do it solo; and he began to howl uncontrollably as his bowels made their move.
He made his way back to his seat, visibly exhausted and soaked in sweat, all the while wondering if any of the other passengers had heard him and knew his little secret. He drifted off to sleep.
The wayward fishermen finally arrived outside the Harpo Studios in Chicago,
where they were greeted by a thong of paparazzi…hmmm…Wait. That can’t be right..?
Oh! I mean they were met by a throng of paparazzi! (Who wrote this anyway?!!)
Sauntering down the red carpet, Cuda tries to work his magic, while Cooter winces at the constant flashing, having forgotten his Maui Jim’s back on Hanna. They are a long way from Hanna now. Secretly, ‘Captain Crap’n’cum’ yearns for the days on the 390 when it was just the two of them, and the exhilarating moments down in Hanna’s cramped cuddy.
In a blink of a moment, they have pushed their way past the crowd and into the infamous Green Room of the Oprah show.
Although just a rookie, Cuda-Killer turned up the brat-celebrity heat on Oprah’s producer,
strong-arming her into providing Brandon’s favorite poop-inducing delights: buttery corn on the cob, jalapeno bean dip and some Cinnamon Mini-Wheats. They even wrangled up a jar of pickled pigs’ feet for Cooter. The boys busted out what was left of the chicharrones and enjoyed a pre-show feast fit for the biggest stars.
Those big shots had nothing on them! Cuda took advantage of this down time to get ready for the show. He had brought one of his “Huggy Bear” leisure suits especially for the occasion.
There was gonna be no stopping this true pimp!
“Wusss happenin’ muthafuckas?!”
Finally, it was show time. They were shuffled hurriedly onto the set by a tall, Lurch-like fellow,
where Oprah waited under the bright lights. The two small town boys felt very small. Comforted by the audience polite applause, they gleefully hugged their icon and took a seat next to her on the cushy pink sofa. “So boys, you’ve made quite a splash!” A little tongue-tied, Cooter blurts out “Yes Ma’am, I guess so.”
Brandon, already bored, was thinking about what he'd rather be doing right now...“Brandon, I understand you’ve got a special talent? “
In fact, he could feel a good one coming on just then. With enthusiasm, Saluki says “Yes MA’AM!”
Cuda couldn't get the raving beauty out of his mind. He was completely star-struck.
“Well boys, I’ve invited back my special guest host Dr. Phil. He was just so curious to talk to you, he called and asked if he could stop by”. Now our two anglers can’t believe their ears! The big Texan meanders onto the set and took a seat next to Oprah. “So boys, how the heck are ya?”
“We’re good Dr. Phil, thanks fer asking.”
“So Brandon, basically, I as I understand it, yer basically gettin a nut every time you take a shit?”
“Yessir, that about sums it up.”
“How’s that workin’ for ya?”
“Not too good Dr. Phil. My wife is actually jealous of my poop.” Cooter's mind is still wandering...
“Well Brandon, You need to listen to your body because your body is listening to you.”
“Huh?”
“It’s like this: Sometimes you've just gotta give yourself what you wish you were getting from someone else.”
“What?”
“”Man, you aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed are ya? I guess we gotta put that on the cover of the Duh Journal.
“Hmmmmmmm”.
“Well, don’t worry son, I am going to help you. Like I always say, you're only lonely if you're not there for you. You and Curtis are some sorta ‘family’ I suppose, and I help families (even demented ones). So we are going to make you a Dr. Phil test case and see what we can do about this.”
“Thanks!”
“Oprah, don’t you have something for the studio audience today?
“Well Phil, we have a copy of the best selling book “Two Drove Over the Kelp Paddy” under everybody’s seat!
Curtis and Brandon’s eyes get wide as they climb off the couch and start looking underneath it. “Ummm, excuse me fellas, but don’t you guys already have one?”
“Yes Sir”.
"And tell me, isn’t there a movie being made about your adventures?”
“Yes Ma’am, it’s called “Brokeback Paddy.”
“I don’t get it. You guys are hicks and all, but you’re not Cowboys are you?”
Cooter finally jumps at his chance to chime in: “Well Ma’am, we’re sorta like tuna cowboys I suppose.”
"Well, that’s all the time we have today, thanks for coming, tuna cowboys!”
Backstage, Cuda Killer took the opportunity to say goodbye to Oprah the way only he knew how. Oprah smiled and offered him her personal card for a get together later on.
After all the excitement, the three anglers headed back on the plane, with our two favorite rednecks each napping soundly with their heads rested on Cuda’s sizeable shoulders.
Due to the relentless kicking of his chair by a small child wearing clogs and a sombrero,
Captain Crap’n’cum enjoyed one final moment right there under his blanket.
(Stay tuned for Part IV: The Final Chapter - "Back on the Water")
Re: Two Drove Over the Kelp Paddy - Part 3 - "On to the Show"
Job - A noun
1 job
a damaging piece of work; "dry rot did the job of destroying the barn"; "the barber did a real job on my hair"
Category Tree:
act; human action; human activity
╚activity
╚work
╚job
2 job
the performance of a piece of work; "she did an outstanding job as Ophelia"; "he gave it up as a bad job"
Category Tree:
act; human action; human activity
╚activity
╚work
╚job 3 occupation, business, job, line of work, line
the principal activity in your life that you do to earn money; "he's not in my line of business"
Category Tree:
act; human action; human activity
╚activity
╚occupation, business, job, line of work, line
╚accountancy; accounting
╚metier; medium
╚profession
╚trade; craft
╚treadmill; salt mine
╚position; post; berth; office; spot; billet; place; situation
╚appointment
╚employment; work
╚career; calling; vocation
╚game; biz
╚farming; land
╚sport
4 job
the responsibility to do something; "it is their job to print the truth"
Category Tree:
act; human action; human activity
╚group action
╚social control
╚duty; responsibility; obligation
╚job
5 job, task, chore
a specific piece of work required to be done as a duty or for a specific fee; "estimates of the city's loss on that job ranged as high as a million dollars"; "the job of repairing the engine took several hours"; "the endless task of classifying the sample
Category Tree:
act; human action; human activity
╚activity
╚work
╚duty
╚job, task, chore
╚stint
╚disagreeable task; disagreeable chore
╚ball-buster; ball-breaker
6 caper, job
a crime (especially a robbery); "the gang pulled off a bank job in St. Louis"
Category Tree:
act; human action; human activity
╚activity
╚wrongdoing; wrongful conduct; misconduct; actus reus
╚transgression; evildoing
╚crime; law-breaking
╚felony
╚larceny; theft; thievery; thieving; stealing
╚robbery
╚caper, job
7 job
a workplace; as in the expression "on the job";
Category Tree:
entity
╚location
╚point
╚geographic point; geographical point
╚workplace; work
╚job
8 job
an object worked on; a result produced by working; "he held the job in his left hand and worked on it with his right"
Category Tree:
entity
╚object; physical object
╚artifact; artefact
╚creation
╚product; production
╚job
9 Job, Book of Job
a book in the Old Testament containing Job's pleas to God about his afflictions and God's reply
Category Tree:
abstraction
╚relation
╚social relation
╚communication
╚written communication; written language
╚writing; written material; piece of writing
╚section; subdivision
╚book
╚Job, Book of Job
10 job
(computer science) a program application that may consist of several steps but is a single logical unit
Category Tree:
abstraction
╚relation
╚social relation
╚communication
╚written communication; written language
╚writing
╚coding system
╚code; computer code
╚software; software system; software package; package
╚program; programme; computer program; computer programme
╚application; application program; applications programme
╚job
11 Job
any long-suffering person who withstands affliction without despairing
Category Tree:
entity
╚object; physical object
╚living thing; animate thing
╚organism; being
╚person; individual; someone; somebody; mortal; human; soul
╚unfortunate; unfortunate person
╚Job
12 Job
a Jewish hero in the Old Testament who maintained his faith in God in spite of afflictions that tested him
Category Tree:
entity
╚object; physical object
╚living thing; animate thing
╚organism; being
╚person; individual; someone; somebody; mortal; human; soul
╚leader
╚hero
╚Job
13 problem, job
a state of difficulty that needs to be resolved; "she and her husband are having problems"; "it is always a job to contact him"; "urban problems such as traffic congestion and smog"
Category Tree:
state
╚condition; status
╚difficulty
╚problem, job
╚balance-of-payments problem
╚race problem
B verb
1 speculate, job
invest at a risk; "I bought this house not because I want to live in it but to sell it later at a good price, so I am speculating"
Category Tree:
transfer
╚give
╚pay
╚spend; expend; drop
╚invest; put; commit; place
╚speculate, job
╚bull
2 job
work occasionally; "As a student I jobbed during the semester breaks"
Category Tree:
work; do work
╚job
3 subcontract, farm out, job
arranged for contracted work to be done by others
Category Tree:
hire; engage; employ
╚subcontract, farm out, job
4 job
profit privately from public office and official business
Category Tree:
act; move
╚interact
╚treat; handle; do by
╚wrong
╚victimize; victimise
╚deceive; lead on; delude; cozen
╚cheat; chisel
╚job
Look up "job" at Merriam-Webster
Look up "job" at dictionary.com
Forum discussions with the word(s) 'job' in the title:
I applied for a job. I would like whether or not I get the job or I will get the job
get the job done or do the job
Job description
Job opening
Job-letter?
job add?
factory job
Your job hunting !
Job or jobs
Explaining My Job
Concerning your job offer...
a more fixed job.
Job Candidacy vs. Candidature
My friend is looking for job ....
I focuse in finding a job.
A job in / with / at / for
My friend is looking for a job........
It's not really better at my job.
I keep on looking for a job
Have you got any hopes for a job ?
I am interested in the job offer/position
I have got an interview for a job on the....
I had to have an interview for a job last Friday
The recruitment agency proposed me a job that will start this coming monday
We have a job for you as a waiter.
They are doing a great job holding a line
They are doing a great job holding a line
In-services training Vs On the job training
Are you happy if you get the job ?
My friend might quit her job . I said to her
Dude, get a job... But still some funny shit! Captain crap and cum; now that there is pretty funny.
Re: Two Drove Over the Kelp Paddy - Part 3 - "On to the Show"
WTF!!! I did not know we had famous people on this board. When is the next meet and greet session??? I am going to bring Mickey Mouse ears, a bag of chicharrones (Pepe's of course) and a roll of toilet paper to get me some autographs. Can I be prez of the fan club??? PLEEEEEZZE!!!!
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