LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT

[Big Dick]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this." was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Fishburger]

Dude...That's classic!!!

Remember this one......

Mr Praline walks into shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage.
He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash register.

PRALINE	Hello, I wish to register a complaint... Hello? Miss?
SHOPKEEPER	What do you mean, miss?
PRALINE	Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
SHOPKEEPER	Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
PRALINE	Never mind that my lad, I wish to make a complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
SHOPKEEPER	Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
PRALINE	I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what wrong with it.
SHOPKEEPER	No, no it's resting, look!
PRALINE	Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
SHOPKEEPER	No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
PRALINE	Resting?
SHOPKEEPER	Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?
PRALINE	The plumage don't enter to it - it's stone dead.
SHOPKEEPER	No, no - it's just resting.
PRALINE	All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
SHOPKEEPER	(jogging cage) There it moved.
PRALINE	No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
SHOPKEEPER	I did not.
PRALINE	Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage, shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
SHOPKEEPER	No, no it's stunned.
PRALINE	Look my lad, I've had just enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement wad due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
SHOPKEEPER	It's probably pining for the fiords.
PRALINE	Pining for the fiords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got home?
SHOPKEEPER	The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
PRALINE	Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
SHOPKEEPER	Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom.
PRALINE	Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
SHOPKEEPER	It's not, it's pining.
PRALINE	It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.
SHOPKEEPER	Well, I'd better replace it then.
PRALINE	(to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
SHOPKEEPER	Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
PRALINE	I see. I see. I get the picture.
SHOPKEEPER	I've got a slug.
PRALINE	Does it talk?
SHOPKEEPER	Not really, no.
PRALINE	Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
SHOPKEEPER	Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
PRALINE	Bolton eh?
SHOPKEEPER	Yeah.
PRALINE	All right. He leaves, holding the parrot.

CAPTION: 'A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS'
Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar Pet Shops Ltd'.
Pull back from sign to see same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.
Man in porter's outfit standing at complaints desk for railways.

PRALINE	Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
SHOPKEEPER	No, no it's, er, Ipswich.
PRALINE	(to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves)

Praline approaches the desk.

PRALINE	I wish to make a complaint.
PORTER	I don't have to do this, you know.
PRALINE	I beg your pardon?
PORTER	I'm qualified brain surgeon. I only do this because I like being my own boss.
PRALINE	Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
PORTER	Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad these out to thirty minutes.
PRALINE	Well I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.
PORTER	No, this is Bolton.
PRALINE	(to camera) The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
PORTER	Well you can't blame British Rail for that.
PRALINE	If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.

CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER LTD'
Praline walks into the shop again.

PRALINE	I understand that this is Bolton.
SHOPKEEPER	Yes.
PRALINE	Well, you told me it was Ipswich.
SHOPKEEPER	It was a pun.
PRALINE	A pun?
SHOPKEEPER	No, no, not a pun, no. What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?
PRALINE	A palindrome?
SHOPKEEPER	Yes, yes.
PRALINE	It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It don't work.
SHOPKEEPER	Look, what do you want?
PRALINE	No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think this is getting too silly.
COLONEL	(coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly...silly. Right get on with it. Get on with it.

[tunachris]

John Cleese, MontyPython's Flying Circus