http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/ Post funny stuff here. en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 05:35:20 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/ http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168918-involuntary-muscular-contraction.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:59:21 GMT Ahhh, yes........the perfect time of year to pass this on.......



Involuntary Muscular Contraction


A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom. ]]> Jokes Forum got2fishsd http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168918-involuntary-muscular-contraction.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168854-deer-camp.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:00:41 GMT DEER CAMP

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years.



Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.



Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.



Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.



"Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"



"Well, I've been here since yesterday.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"



I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over.



On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!



She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.



And then she said, "Do what ever you want."



So, Here I am. ]]> Jokes Forum Blackfish http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168854-deer-camp.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168767-husband-down-aisle-25-a.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 21:11:56 GMT A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!!!'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.' ]]> Jokes Forum Saluki http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168767-husband-down-aisle-25-a.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168656-thats-when-fight-started.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:16:13 GMT My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed..

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

..............................................


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

................................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's when the fight started....

..............................................

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started....

...............................................

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face
cream..

And that's when the fight started
..................................................

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....

................................................


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

..............................................

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. .......................

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my
SIN The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. .......................


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. .......................


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started....

.................................................. ............................


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started..... ]]> Jokes Forum Spyder http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168656-thats-when-fight-started.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168597-husband-store-ending.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:29:59 GMT A store that sells new husbands has opened inNew York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may... A store that sells new husbands has opened inNew York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. ]]> Jokes Forum Professor http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168597-husband-store-ending.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168532-drug-dealers-vs-hookers.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:33 GMT Do ya know why hookers make more money than drug dealers ,because Hookers can wash their Crack and re sell it :boobies: Do ya know why hookers make more money than drug dealers ,because Hookers can wash their Crack and re sell it :boobies: ]]> Jokes Forum Shocktower http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168532-drug-dealers-vs-hookers.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168529-whats-your-favorite-movie.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:45:21 GMT This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan.Try it without looking at the answers. It is easy and it works!Pick a number from 1 - 9.Multiply by 3.Add 3,... This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan.Try it without looking at the answers. It is easy and it works!



Pick a number from 1 - 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3,





multiply that by 3.

Add thosetwodigits together. Use that number to find your all time favourite movie in the list below.








Good Luck





















It is:

1. Gone with the wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Oliver

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Grease.

9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10. Mary Poppins. ]]> Jokes Forum TUNAHUNTER1977 http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168529-whats-your-favorite-movie.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168448-football-joke.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:11:51 GMT Touchdown
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart and says "seven points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."
After about ten minutes later the man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more.
Straining, the man tries so hard he shits the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The man replies, "Half-time, switch sides." ]]> Jokes Forum Kurt http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168448-football-joke.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168444-old-guys-yep-thats-us-always-helpful.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:41:11 GMT I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that. ]]> Jokes Forum ctl_dog http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168444-old-guys-yep-thats-us-always-helpful.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168295-passwords.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 10:36:52 GMT During a recent password audit, it was found that a San Diego Charger was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy When asked why such a big password, Rivers... During a recent password audit, it was found that a San Diego Charger was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, Rivers said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. ]]> Jokes Forum Tues http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168295-passwords.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168145-rude.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:07:52 GMT What do you call the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris ?]]> Q> What do you call the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris ?













a> the wife



















































]]> Jokes Forum ideyboy http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168145-rude.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168144-farmers-pig.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:05:59 GMT A man goes to a farm and he sees a three legged pig in the yard. "What happened to the pig ?" he asks the farmer.
"Let me tell you about that pig" says the farmer, " last month I fell in the pond and that pig swam in, grabbed my collar with his little teeth and pulled me out."
"incredible" says the man, " but what about his leg ?"
"another thing" say the farmer, "when my wife had a heart attack, the pig dialled 999 with his little nose and saved her life"
"unbeleivable, but his leg ?" asks the man
"only yesterday" continues the farmer, " that pig, with his little tongue, held a pen and wrote down the winners of all the races at Lingfield"
"That's fantastic, he's priceless" says the man," but please tell me why he has a leg missing"
"A pig like that" says the farmer, "you can't eat it all at once"
]]> Jokes Forum ideyboy http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168144-farmers-pig.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168088-bugatti-sale-cheap.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:06:22 GMT Man distracted by bird drives Bugatti into marsh - Yahoo! News (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091113/ap_on_fe_st/us_odd_lagoon_bugatti) Man distracted by bird drives Bugatti into marsh - Yahoo! News ]]> Jokes Forum tuna taxi http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168088-bugatti-sale-cheap.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168015-another-blonde-joke.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:17:36 GMT A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?" ]]> Jokes Forum Gil Marlin http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/168015-another-blonde-joke.html http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/167749-how-poop-work.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:30:57 GMT How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it...
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURDBURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an arrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH*.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* =You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
]]> Jokes Forum Tues http://www.bloodydecks.com/forums/jokes-forum/167749-how-poop-work.html